Monday, December 6, 2010

The Kitchen Sink, Part II

Two days after the previous sink entry...

G-pa (on the phone): Is Dan there?

Mom: Yes.

G-pa: Oh good. Your mom wanted me to call and thank him for installing the kitchen sink.

My dad enjoyed this one. See, my grandma wasn't the most accepting of my dad when he got married, but now she thinks he's a saint. Like, the patron saint of independent contracting.

The Kitchen Sink

New apartment, new problems

Approaches my mom, who is washing dishes in the kitchen sink.

G-ma: I love this place, but I'm mad.

Mom: Oh? Why is that?

G-ma: Because it doesn't have a kitchen sink.

Mom (currently holding a soapy plate):...Yes it does. Right here.

Grandma, if I were trying to find the kitchen sink, I would start by looking in the kitchen.

Christmas Party, 2009

Preparing for this year's family party, I remembered last year's...

G-ma: Have you met my sister, Jean?

Response: Yeah. She's my mom...

Grandma, everyone has met your sister Jean. We've been having this party for about 86 years. Not only that, they met her tonight, the last six times you introduced her.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Getting a Table (Part 2)

We're at Fred Meyer, getting my Grandpa a table. We surround the display table, looking at structural integrity and appearance.

G-pa: I like this table. (Hits top)

G-ma: What're you looking for, Clair?

G-pa: This table. We're going to buy it.

G-ma: What table?


Getting a Table

George is my Grandma's older brother, Jean is her older sister. They're both in their upper 80s...

G-ma: Are you my George?

Me: No, I'm Nate.

G-ma: You're Nate?...Well where's Jean?

Me: I don't know, Grandma. Maybe Washington?

George is about 60 pounds heavier than me Grandma, and a foot and a half shorter. Jean hasn't left her apartment in 6 years, cuz she's a, like you.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Shoes, Part II

G-ma: Where are my shoes?

G-pa: By the front door.

G-ma: Are these them? (Starts putting on my grandpa's massive size 13 extra wide sandals) These do not feel right.

G-pa: (Stifles laughter) That's because those are mine.

Grandma, I know the floor is far away and your eyesight is bad, but you've got to know the difference between your size 6, and his size 13. Even fuzzy images would have drastic size differential.

The Shoes

G-ma: I always take my shoes off outside, but I don't see them.

Mom: The because they're inside, Mom.

G-ma: Where are my shoes?

Mom: Are they by the front door?

G-ma: I don't know why they would be there. I never take them off.

If by "never" you mean "always"

Saturday, July 10, 2010


G-pa (over the phone): Is Abbie there?

Mom: No. Why?

G-pa: Your mother is crying, wondering why everyone forgot her on her birthday.

Mom: But her birthday is next week...

G-pa: I know, I told her that but she didn't believe me. She's asking why no one called or gave her presents, so I was hoping Abbie would talk some sense into her.

Grandma, I know you grew up with 2 birthdays, since your dad was crazy forgetful and picked a random day to tell the school or something, and I'm sorry. But no way am I going to call you a full week before to pre-game your 2 birthday celebrations. Get over yourself.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Field Trip

G-ma (to the bus driver): Has my husband got on yet?
Nurse: No, he's not coming, remember?
G-ma: Oh yeah.
G-ma: Have you seen my husband?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. I saw him in your apartment, watching TV, where he's been for 18 years. Buses aren't that fun for an 84 year-old guy whose had 3 knee surgeries, weighs in at 250 and is 6' 4".

The Cabin

Me (to G-pa): We went up last weekend and painted the cabin. It's looking good.

G-pa: Oh good. It will be nice to see.

G-ma: I've been there twice.

Not even close to twice. Way more. Your dad built it. Pretty sure you lived there one summer...

The Other Day

G-pa: Well Cleo, let's get going. You need to use the restroom before we leave?

G-ma: I don't think so...*

*goes to bathroom.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Things Are Looking Up

My 12 year-old sister told me this today (verbatim):

When I was at Grandma's today she told me at least five times how beautiful I am...things are looking up.

Interpersonal Relationships

Nani (my dog, an 80 lb golden lab) walks by

G-ma: Hi Nani!

Nani leaves. Immediately, Boo (an orange cat) rubs up against G-ma's ankles

G-pa: Hey kitty, kitty!
G-ma: Pff, that's not a kitty-kitty!
G-pa: It's not?...
G-ma: It's Nani!

Nani returns, having heard her name.

G-ma: Hey Nani. (shoots look to my sister in sudden realization of complete and utter fail)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

Card from my Grandma (Cleo) to my Grandpa (Clair).


You are a wonderful Father
Love, Mom or Cleo

In all fairness, she does call him Daddy and he calls her mom, because when you raise kids, you want consistency with the nicknames I guess. I guess addressing him as "Leonard" means that his hearing has been gone so long that the "Yoohoo, Leonard!" phrase she adopted from some 40's film has just become yet another pet name. My grandma, so romantic.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Mom: Let's go shopping for Father's Day.
G-ma: Okay. CLAIR! (G-pa)
Mom: He's not coming. We're getting him a gift for Father's Day.
G-ma: Oh, okay.

2 minutes

G-ma: Where's Clair?
Mom: He's not coming. We're buying him a gift.
G-ma: Oh. Wait, why? Is it his birthday?

It's too bad it's not Mother's Day. Grandpa could stay home, we could take you and you could pick out your own gift. Guarantee you'll like it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tuesday June 15, 2010

G-ma: Do you know what this is?

Mom: That's your bag, Mom.

G-ma: Do you know where it came from?

Mom:...I'm not sure what you mean.

G-ma: These two man came and gave it to me. I haven't had this in 100 years and these to men I don't know just handed it to me.


If she ever tried to fly, I believe she would be the one person to respond "No" to: Did you pack your own bags today?

Monday, June 14, 2010

My grandma has dementia/Alzheimer's. The doctors don't seem to see it, but she is crazy and hilarious. She makes me laugh every time I see her despite the fact her brain is gone. In Alzheimer's you can find pain, but I choose instead to find joy. This is for you, grandma.

G-pa: Where's your cane?

G-ma: I don't use a cane anymore.

G-pa: Oh, really? Okay, let's go then.

G-ma: Okay.....Where's my cane?

For a second there, I thought my grandma aged in reverse; starting with a cane and now walking [semi] upright. According to my calculations she would've started crawling soon.